Howdy Christmas Ugly Christmas Sweater

Howdy Christmas Ugly Christmas Sweater

It has been two-ish years since the Howdy Christmas Ugly Christmas Sweater. NC from the moment that wedding ended has been absolute bliss for my friends. This past weekend was my gal pal’s birthday. And she decided why not have a brunch on Easter on her badass rooftop in the city. So I fired up my cooking skills and make my famous vegetarian, crispy, turmeric, saffron Persian rice with roasted almonds and pomegranate seeds. (Tahdig for all my desert brothers and sisters out here) What does this lovely brunch have to do with my sister from another mister’s MIL she has been NC with for almost 2ish years? I’m glad you asked llamas. Because bitch showed up. I’m not sure who’s Facebook she stalked, or what person she water boarded but she came from out of state and showed up at the front door of their apartment building. I will rewind just a little. Friend and I are setting up on the roof, tossing pillows on the outdoor furniture and laying out some linens on the tables. Their apartment building is only 4 stories high, live on the top floor and are the only apartment with roof access. Because we were not sure that people would hear the buzzer inside of the apartment we put a sign for people to ring the bell and give a shout up to the roof (or text) and we would buzz them in. So I’m meandering about fluffing pillows while happily balancing my mimosa when I hear someone yelling. I figured someone came early and friend went to go lean over the rood edge to see who it was. She immediate reeled back and spun to look at me. “It’s (name redacted)!!” She shouted as she ran for the apartment to stop the hubs from accidently buzzing her in. I peeked over the roof and watched her for a bit. Pacing, freaking out, pulling on the handle of the door. She hit the buzzer maybe 10 times and then looked up and saw me. She was… angry. Flipped me off and went back to tried to yank on the handle and shout something about wanting to give her baby his Easter basket. The woman seemed unhinged. She was in fact carrying one those drug store giant plastic green baskets filled with crap so high to was wrapped in plastic.

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Howdy Christmas Ugly Christmas Sweater,

Best Howdy Christmas Ugly Christmas Sweater

He winced as I spoke, so subtly I almost missed it. I could see the Howdy Christmas Ugly Christmas Sweater his mouth tighten. Had I just… annoyed him? “What’s so special up there in them rocks and trees?” He clenched his hands into fists. He was acting like I was sitting behind him in class, asking him for the answers to a test. What was he getting told by the spirit? I leaned in to his ear, “the mountains to the east huh? Whence the drumming and wrath of the fucking spirit cometh – what honey doth thou master pour in thine ear, dickhead?” He whipped his whole body around to face me, glaring at me with a visceral hatred. He had tears in his eyes… this ghost was about to fuckin cry. I was floored. He came at me then, with deliberate movement, a booze-fueled young man’s stride you see in the parking lot of a bar, the kind that brings fists with it. My heart started pounding immediately. I took a step back as though to brace for him. He can’t touch you, dumbass. I forced myself to hold my ground. Right before it happened, I think I said outloud “oh what’re you gonna d-“ Then he screamed in my face. It wasn’t a scream though, it was a fog horn, a dying pig, a sheet of aluminum in a tornado, a terrified kid bleeding to death in a truck on the battlefield. It made my organs shake, I went blind, couldn’t tell up from down. I could smell the noise of his scream, taste it. It felt like all my teeth were splintering in my gums. When he stopped, I realized I was lying in the snow, staring up at Creeps, his body shaking. He turned and stalked away before I’d even realized what happened.

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I have short-ish legs and have the Howdy Christmas Ugly Christmas Sweater, where a lot of flares and wide-legs are too long and can only be worn with very chunky shoes that have a bit of a platform, etc. Otherwise, the hem will drag on the ground like we did with JNCO’s in the late 90s, and I’m not into the wet, muddy, frayed hem look or tripping over the front of my pants. I don’t object to wearing chunky boots sometimes, but jeans that can’t be worn with running shoes or flip flops when I’m just going to the grocery store aren’t something that can be a staple in my wardrobe. The ones I have that do this are already “short” length, and I’m average height, at 5’5. And if you hem flares, it changes the shape so they’re less flared. I do think that cropped flares look at least as bad though, and if the “tall” or “long” lengths aren’t long enough to work for you, then tailoring isn’t even an option!